Drunk Thank-You Notes

On Heroes

Dear fuckyeahlizlemon,

Thank you for being in my life.

Love and kisses,

Katie

P.S. I’m sober for this one too cuz you don’t fuck around with a sugar baker woman!

On common sense

tedkerr:

No, Governor Romney, corporations are not people.
   (APPLAUSE)
   People have hearts.  They have kids.  They get jobs.  They
get sick.  They cry, they dance.  They live, they love, and they
die, and that matters.  That matters.
   (APPLAUSE)
   That matters — that matters

Dear Elizabeth Warren,

Thank you.

I’m sober, btw.

Love and kisses,

Katie

On myopia and astigmatism

Dear Tina Fey,

Thank you for making glasses sexy. Since 30 Rock started, I have kinda become a man magnet.

Love,

Katie

On Presidental Qualities

Dear Debbie Wasserman-Shultz,

Wait, did I spell that right? Any relation to Ed? Because that would be fucking amazing. Except I bet you’d be the classy one at Thanksgiving and he’d be the weirdo and grandpa’s like, “omg Ed, shut the fuck up.”

But for serious, you were such a good girlfriend to Gabby, being all “I’m here honey to hold your hand except we’re not lesbians cause you have an astronaut husband and that’s totally hot, not that I think your husband is hot cause that would be inappropriate of me being your friend and all.”

But for real, thanks for being awesome, because I want a president who will be a good girlfriend, cause it shows you have integrity, and you have fucking amazing hair.

Love,

Katie

On Loving Thine Enemy

Dear Newt Gingrich,

Thank you for being less horrible than usual onMeet the Pressthis morning. If even you can admit the RNC fucked up, we might be onto something. You make a fiar point that the SAturday Nihgt LIve people wil be making fun of Eastwood and instead of Romney, so that’s a win-win. Wait, WHAT IF IT WAS ALL PART OF A STRATEGY o no one could talk about how horrible Romney’s speech would be? Which was horrible. But you know that, don’t you, moon man?

BTdubs, we’re related.

You still have a fat head, though.

Love,

Katie

P.S., wait, why am I typing this? I’m confused by mylsef. Gonna make popcorn and watch True Blood. MMmmmmm.

On Sex Ed.

Dear Todd Akin’s parents,

Thank you for doing such a gang-bang bang-up job raising your son.

Love and kisses,

Katie

On Rock’n’Roll

Dear RNC,

Thank you for making your theme this year “We Build This.” That is soooooooo fucking amazing cause I LOVE having that song stuck in my head. Like for real. I’m not kidding. I know it’s one of those ones that when it comes on the oldies stations people get all pissed (isn’t it funny that the oldies stations played 50’s stuff when I was a kid and now it’s all “classic rock”? Doesn’t that just mean that it sucks? I mean, when you have to label it classic…), and people are like, “I HATE THAT SONG,” but for real, I kinda fucking love it, like how I love all that 80’s pop music. Wait, was that the same era? I don’t even know the band.

Bottom line, RNC, is that you are hilarious. Like a lot.

And on that note, thank you, Mike Huckabee, for lulling me to sleep last night. I typed “luring,” at first, and then I was like, eeeeewwwwwwwwww.

Love,

Katie

On E-mail

Dear [alma mater redacted] email people who do the technology and stuff, except I should say “do” because all you do is fuck us over and you suck at your job like mega,

WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE GMAIL.

Blow me.

Love,

Katie

P.S. Oops forgot to say thanks because YOU DON’T DESERVE IT.

Dear Electronics,

Dear printer/copier/scanner, laptop, and desktop;

Thank you all for failing me at once so that I may not currently display images of hand-written thank-you notes. I shall instead type them, when the spirits move me.

Get it?

I know, right?

Love and kisses,

Drunk-thank-you-note-writer-person